Lent - Day 15

(I know I'm posting this after midnight, but I wrote all this out when I was working on music stuff today..er, yesterday now!)

So, for any of you who may not know this about me, I'm a very, very, very amateur guitar player. Lately, I've taken to picking one up and playing and singing anytime I've felt that I needed to process an emotion of some sort. I love to sing. I'm growing more comfortable with my singing, and doing so in front of other people. I'm growing more comfortably every single day with who I am as a person, too. I don't really know what switch flipped in my head, but it's awesome. I'm talking more comfortably with people about my past, and I've been telling my Secret (capital S!) to those that I think may need to hear it, or know it about me to understand more fully how I process my life and why I am so weird about some of the things I am weird about. It looks like my Jes Things list is finally paying off!

But my point is that I got a text from a friend today that basically said I was an inspiration to her, because I was always upbeat and positive. I love that she sees me like that, and that others in my life see me that way. But if you happen to be one of my closest friends, you know that sometimes I can be anything but happy, upbeat, and positive. I decided to take that negative thought - that "I feel like I'm never upbeat or positive about anything. How on earth does she see that in me?" - and let it dissipate, as it should. I took the compliment for what it was, and I let it help me "float" instead of dragging me down. I realized she was another buoy in my life - and that's a list that grows every day!

See, the buoy thing is that there are two kinds of people in this world: buoys and anchors. There are people who drag you down and hold you where you are (which, yes, you do need sometimes), and there are people who help you keep your head above the water. I've tried to be extra focused lately on not only being a "buoy" to those around me, but also trying to cut all the anchors out of my life, too. It's harder than I thought, because it forces me to be honest with myself about the way that people in my life treat me, instead of justifying their actions and making excuses for the way they behave. This has been one of the toughest things in my life. You would think cutting someone out of my life who had done me the most unimaginable wrong would be easy, right? Not so much. I justify it. "He/she/they apologized. He/she/they made it up to me. He/she/they won't do it again." On and on and on. But I kind of felt like God smacked me in the head and told me to stop and think and stop lying to myself, because all it was doing was weighing me down. I couldn't even keep myself above the water, much less do that for anyone else. I'm the worst about being a human doormat.

But I did think about this a lot, and when I was flipping through my Bible earlier, I got a text from someone I promised - not only to myself, but to friends and parents, too - I wouldn't talk to anymore. It seemed friendly enough, and I was twenty seconds from responding, when I saw this verse:

"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. Do everything in love."

So then I stopped myself, and I forced myself to be honest with me. I knew that if I responded to this person, it would literally be worse than the first person who was like this in my life, because I knew all about how those things turn out, and that some people just won't change until they want to. I remembered my dad's notes to me (he's written, multiple times, and stuck the papers on the mirror in the bathroom, in my Bible, in my car door, all the places he knows I'll see it - "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23) and realized how often I lie to myself about the people in my life, just because I don't want to lose that person's friendship or I don't want that person to walk out of my life because they know something about me that most others don't. Or really, whatever my reason, I just don't want them gone - whether its fear or just wanting to continue believing that I can do something to make them become a better person.

And, really, my journal today really isn't anything I haven't talked about before, in Lent journals past. I feel like I talk about this all the time - I'm the worst at being honest with myself when it comes to the people around me. But I'll get there, eventually. I'll just keep praying about it, and keep trying to be a buoy to those around me.

I feel like this journal makes infinitely less sense than allllllll of the others, and I'm sorry if you didn't follow it at all. (: Have a good week!

Lent - Day 14

Today, I just really have had a lot on my mind.

Yesterday was a roller coaster day. I felt ultra betrayed by one of my closest friends, but I found out who my Bigs are in my sorority, and I really could not have been any happier. I was relieved to be at Crossroad and to have been able to hear the message I did, but I was dreading voice today, and singing with people I didn't know. Then, I found out someone had heard me sing (like 4 words, but whatever) yesterday, and I did my usual "Jes-ing out" but I was also glad I finally told my oldest friend the thing I hadn't been able to. It was just a really intense day for me emotionally.

And that, in and of itself, was kind of weird for me. I (more or less) have felt completely in control of me and my emotions (except for maybe my feelings of anxiety) lately. It wasn't unfamiliar, to feel like I'm out of control, but it was kind of an unfamiliar feeling anyway, just because of how I've felt recently. (I'm sorry if this makes no sense, haha.) I guess my decision to continue going to group when I had been so set on not going anymore, coupled with all of the negatives yesterday, just kind of built up in me and I didn't know what to do with it. I decided just to sleep on it, and write down everything exactly as it happened. When I woke up, I read through my list, and I realized that the main problem was just that a good thing would happen, and then a bad thing, and then another thing, and then another, and everything was happening so quickly, I just hadn't had time to process one thing before another thing came up. But my drive home, my listing everything out, and my sleeping on it definitely helped everything out. My head feels so much clearer.

And really, if I sit and look back through today, although it started off kind of bumpy, was really good. Group was weird, my regular session was weird, voice was a LOT of work - but all of that is going to pay off later. And from the time I got home on, it's been a great day. I'm Jes. I'm an optimist. I need realistic friends to keep me from floating away sometimes. So accentuating the positives is what I do.

Anyway, my point is this. I changed my mind about not going to group anymore when I read 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 (mainly, but really the whole passage helped me do this). I just realized that I needed to be sharing comfort with people, and in doing so, I always had to share my struggles. But it's okay. My fortune cookie fortunes remind me that my "optimism can carry [me] through any situation" and that I will "soon emerge victorious from the maze that [I] have been travelling in." So even though it's hard right now, persevering and being strong for other people is going to be my payoff in the end. And it's not only going to help me, it's going to help them, too. I need to be using the basin to wash others' feet, not the basin to wash my hands of the things I don't feel like doing.

Luke 22:42 -

"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."

Oh, hey, guys.

It's March 1st. I re-did my list of 100 reasons to recover. I made my initial list back in 2010, when I first started trying to recover seriously. I updated it with things that I have found during this process. A couple in the 50s are new (some I replaced if they were the same as something else) and the last few (95-100) are new, too. Some of the first 10 might be. I don't really remember. ANYWAY, my point is that I have some stuff to give out in Group on tuesday, but until then, here's my list. Some of the things are still things I need to see every day. They're highlighted, where I can see them. You should really think about making one of your own, too. (:

(It doesn't even have to be for eating disorders. It could be self-harm or reasons not to feel guilty about something. It doesn't even have to be 100.)

100 Reasons to Recover

1. Because I care more about my health than my eating disorder.

2. Because millions of children go without food every day – and their going without isn’t by choice.

3. Because my family loves me.

4. Because my friends love me.

5. Because nothing and no one can tell me that I’m not beautiful.

6. Because I’m not alone in this.

7. Because I deserve to be happy.

8. Because ED, Ana, and Mia aren’t real friends.

9. So I can feel as strong as I am.

10. So that I don’t have to worry about passing out during big events in my life.

11. So I can eat that delicious dessert without feelings of guilt.

12. Because I deserve to celebrate many more birthdays.

13. To get back at the people who called me worthless.

14. Because not hurting others is more important to me than hurting myself.

15. Because it’s fun and pleasing to break old habits.

16. So that I don’t feel guilty when I tell people I’m “doing well.”

17. Because I don’t want to be another statistic.

18. To keep the past where it should be.

19. Because food journals are tedious and time-consuming…

20. and because being paranoid about someone finding it is tiring.

21. To love myself as much as God does.

22. Because saying “I never want to go back” and meaning it feels awesome.

23. Because eataversaries are fun.

24. To show myself that I can do it.

25. So I can focus all that energy on something productive.

26. So that I can talk about eating disorders without being triggered.

27. So that I can talk about eating disorders in class without getting uncomfortable.

28. Because hugs are ten times better when I’m not worried about someone touching me.

29. To worry less about what I’m wearing.

30. Because just living to die isn’t very much fun.

31. So that I don’t feel like a burden to my family and friends anymore.

32. Because that look I get when I read labels on food just is the worst.

33. Because seeing my dad cry just isn’t worth it to me.

34. So that if my daughter has an eating disorder (like my great-grandmother, my grandmother and my mother), they will know that, even though they come from a long line of women with ED, they also come from a long line of women strong enough to break it.

35. To give people hope.

36. Because I want to continue dreaming big.

37. Because I have a long list of goals, and I’m going to finish it.

38. Because my bucket list grows every single day, and I want to be alive to get through it.

39. Because counting how many months I’ve been in recovery with no relapses is infinitely more satisfying than counting calories.

40. So that I’m in charge of what I eat, and not my eating disorder.

41. Because smashing scales is really fun.

42. Holiday meals.

43. Because my eating disorder got between me and God.

44. Because it’s awesome to eat a meal and not worry about people watching you eat.

45. Because I knew that until I beat my eating disorder, those that had hurt me would still be in control.

46. Because I don’t want my younger cousins to imitate this pattern.

47. So I can educate people about eating disorders instead of staying silent.

48. Because I like being talked to as a person, not as a disorder.

49. Because I’m matter, so I matter.

50. Because birthday cake and ice cream are delicious.

51. Because expressing your feelings constructively is a lot more helpful in dealing with them.

52. So that I can tell people what my favorite foods are…and then actually eat them.

53. Because waking up hungry feels better than waking up empty.

54. Because I realized that I couldn’t move on with my life until I left that behind me.

55. So that my next boyfriend doesn’t have to date me and my disorder.

56. Because saying, “Look how God has used this in my life to make something beautiful” is an amazing feeling.

57. Because feeling like “table scraps that no one wants” is silly when I’m surrounded by friends and family who love me for who I am.

58. Because God doesn’t make table scraps, He makes things perfect.

59. Because it’s fun to make silly faces in the mirror instead of avoiding the mirror altogether.

60. Because my self-worth should not rely on what size I wear or how much I weigh.

61. Because throwing up food is a waste of money.

62. Because I live for the day that I stop thinking about my weight.

63. Because I live for the day that food stops becoming something that is always on my mind.

64. So that I won’t be ashamed to show my future husband my body.

65. Because going to the beach without worrying about how you look is infinitely more fun.

66. Because you can’t let guilt run your life.

67. Because eating with your friends is more fun than watching your friends eat.

68. Because I want to feel beautiful in my wedding dress, not fat.

69. Because I don’t want to worry about my future child not getting enough nourishment while I am pregnant.

70. Because no one except Jesus is perfect, so there’s no point trying to get there.

71. Because I don’t want to live in a hospital as much as I don’t want to die in one.

72. Because starving myself didn’t make me feel any prettier.

73. Because little victories are still victories, and celebrating them daily is wonderful.

74. Because it feels a lot better to see love and pride in my family’s eyes than love and concern.

75. So that my hair will stop falling out.

76. Because, like all princesses, I deserve my happy ending.

77. So that I don’t have to come up with excuses for why I’m not eating.

78. Because my self-worth shouldn’t be defined by people who make me feel like less than I am.

79. Because said “I was” and “I had” is a lot more satisfying than saying “I am” and “I have.”

80. Because I want “I love you” to mean something, and not be scared to say it because I think someone will use it against me.

81. Because I’m only a victim as long as those thoughts are winning.

82. To be free.

83. So that I can believe the people who tell me I am beautiful.

84. Because turning down dates is silly when it was all because I was afraid of being taken to dinner.

85. So that I can maintain relationships instead of pushing people out.

86. Because irrational thoughts shouldn’t control my life.

87. Because ordering food just isn't a big deal, and I shouldn't feel ashamed for what I get.

88. Because running is more satisfying when I'm running because I love it and not because I want to burn calories.

89. Because laying in bed and thinking about the funny things that happened that day is so much more relaxing than trying to remember everything I hate that day.

90. So that I can maintain my relationships with people instead of pushing them away.

91. Because my older brother - the first person who ever said he would never give up on me and meant it - deserves to see me rise above it.

92. So compliments feel like compliments and not pity.

93. Because I want to see what everyone else sees when they look at me.

94. For the people who couldn't rise above it.

95. So that you can tell someone “it gets better” and mean it.

96. Because recovery is a choice, and I’m choosing that path.

97. Because I’m a fighter.

98. Because I’m worth it.

99. Because I’m strong enough to beat this.

100. Because feeling proud of myself for overcoming it is infinitely more satisfying than feeling proud of myself for submitting to it.

An Explanation

Before you read this: If you are in my Group with Chuck on Tuesdays, this may be somewhat discouraging or triggering if you don't make it all the way through. I warn you now, because I love you guys, and I don't want to be the reason you slip on your Journey. Really, though, it's good, and it was good for me to get this out and remind myself of why I'm doing what I'm doing. I'm honest, see? (:

I feel like I owe a lot of the people who read this blog an explanation. I was distant at group meeting on Tuesday afternoon, and I was really, really discreet when I attempted to talk about my problems with my best friends on Monday. I've been having a lot of heavy stuff thrown at me, because I decided to tell my biggest, deepest secret to my best friend - even though I'd been holding it inside me before. It was another one of those Moments I Hate, when I have to literally tell myself (yes, out loud) that I can't do this on my own and I need to talk to someone. I've been weird about talking to my friends, and I've been talking too much because I'm afraid of where my mind will go if I am silent.

I (literally) have not stopped or slowed down for a second since last Friday night. If I'm not talking out loud, I'm texting 90% of the people in my phone. I'm making plans to hang out. I'm going for drives and singing all the songs on the radio and on all the CDs in my car because I literally won't let my brain slow down enough to comprehend and process all that's going on in my life.

Hi, I'm Jes. I'm a runner. I run from my problems. When I go running to clear my head, I really go running and yell at myself for getting so winded (even though I have asthma, and it just happens) or for not running fast enough or far enough or just well enough. I'm truly my own worst critic. I am never good enough for me.

So now that you guys are all caught up there, I can sort of talk about all the rest of this. Before group meeting on Tuesday, I had my private session with Chuck. And the thing I love about Chuck is that he gives me the exact same advice that my parents give me, that Jim gives me, that my friends give me...and for some reason, I just don't take the advice to heart until he sits me down, makes me shut up and shut down, and look him in the eyes and listen. I don't know what it is about that old man, but he gets through to me somehow. I mean, I guess someone, somewhere had to, eventually! Chuck said that he still has trouble understanding why I don't just run from my problems, but I run from my Good Things. I avoid my friends after I tell them something or after they say something nice to me. I avoid talking to anyone that might get under my skin or in my head. I shut down. I just do it. I don't know why, either. I guess I just need to feel like I'm the only person on this earth that can know who I am. Given that the people that I trusted most in my life have found ways to let me down or leave my life, I guess it doesn't really surprise me. What does surprise me is just how scared I've been lately.

So Chuck sits me down, and asks me what's been going on, basically. I told him that I've been dreading my best friend's "ten minutes" that she's gotten to literally sit down and talk for 10 minutes straight - whenever she wants to, wherever and however - and I am not allowed to say a word. I have to focus and pay attention to what she's saying and literally take it to heart. If she's saying nice things, I can't walk away. If she's giving me criticisms, I have to process them but not take anything the wrong way. I can't interrupt or justify anything in any way. I have to sit and listen. Chuck says he thinks I should award 3 people that have been major pillars in my life in the last 6 months 5 minutes, and give Lindsey an extra 5 because she's been interrupted by me too many times. And then, to give one person 10 minutes. One person who may not really know me that well, but who may have a lot to say to me. And they get pretty much the same rules as Lindsey does - you have 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes to sit and say whatever you want to me, and I can't respond, have a rebuttal, or otherwise interrupt. You can set ground rules before you start speaking - maybe you don't want me to look at you while you talk, maybe you want me to keep eye contact the whole time, maybe you want to say things for five minutes and then we never talk about it again. Whatever. Your rules, not mine.

And then, at the end of each set of 5 minutes (or whatever), I have to journal about it. I have to sit in my own silence and think and process and write.

Chuck hasn't been very clear about what this is supposed to accomplish, but he so rarely gives me actual tasks to do, I am going to do this one. I've already decided who I'm going to talk to about it, and if they don't want to, that's fine. I just don't know what I need in my life, so I'm going to take advice from someone who might.

But, now, my real explanation. Like I said, I've been dealing with a lot. I've had a lot of Tuff Stuff stomping around in my brain and pulling at my heart and just crawling under my skin. I've been trying to do everything in my power to ignore it, and I kind of just Volcano Effect'd and it erupted inside of me. After Crossroad on Monday, I started my car and burst into tears. I'm not usually a crier. I'm a doer. I want to go run, or clean, or something. I went home and ran and then bit all of the heads off of my entire bag of Swedish fish because I had nothing to clean. Frustration, it turns out, is not a productive emotion of mine. Tuesday, I was worse, because I had had all of those feelings, and then didn't do anything with them. Today was really just the worst. I felt like I annoyed everyone I came into contact with. Anytime someone said anything nice, I wanted to cry. A friend tweeted that she was proud of me today, when I gave her my NEDAwareness week bracelet I made her, and I went into the bathroom and bawled. I have no idea what's been wrong with me. It's not even like, for girl reasons either!

I think a lot of it was because of what the 30 hour famine my sorority did (as a fundraiser), and where my mind went and the stuff I thought about during those 30 hours. My body hated me. I hated me. I felt so incredibly selfish, that I had willingly gone without food for days just because I wanted to look a certain way. I wanted to be something else. I didn't want to be me. I have never felt as selfish as I did in those hours. And I think that's when I got torn down, and when my volcano started to overflow a little bit. I was just so ashamed.

And then Monday, not one, but two, of my friends talked to me about the way I sell myself short, and how it's "just something [I] have a tendency to do." That made me feel even more selfish. I don't really know why, but I just really hated myself. It almost put me back in a place I shouldn't be ever again. It's funny, too, to me, the way I was so mad at myself that I was willing to fall back into the old patterns that I was mad at myself for having in the first place. A Vicious Cycle.

And I guess that's really still where I am. I am still struggling to deal with my emotions, and I may not until I'm finally just pushed to a point where I can literally ignore them no longer. But I'm Jes, and that's what I do. I don't want to lie and say, "Oh, yeah, but I'm totally fine now." The truth is, I'm not. I need to talk to someone, to vent, to cry, to yell, to do whatever it is that Jeses do when they need to get these things out of them. I feel horrible, because I feel like I need to be completely honest with a couple of my other friends and let them in on My Horrible Secret, which isn't even a bad secret - it was something totally out of my control...once, anyway - but one that I just don't know how I feel about it. It's that secret that eats at me all the time, that repeats over and over that I'm not good enough, that I'm not x enough, it wouldn't have even happened if I had been better more this more that more anything than what I was, and am.

I guess this is the part where I remind everyone that I am not a victim - I'm a survivor. It's still a long, windy, bumpy road, and I stumble a lot. I have the bumps and scrapes and bruises and scars to prove it. But my point is really not to be discouraged. I'm still surviving. No, it's not easy, but I know it will get better. I have to remember who has my life engraved in the palms of His hands. (Isaiah 49:16)

My point is that I'm a fighter, and if I can stand and fight, so can you.

Psalm 142:3

2 Samuel 22:33

I love you, Group Guys and Gals. I know this week has been tough & trying, but I believe in all of you. And really, anyone else reading this, too. I believe in you, too, and I know that whatever struggles you are going through now, you will emerge victorious from them, and find a way to turn those struggles into something that glorifies God and the way He works in your life.

Hi, I'm Jes.

I'm 5'3 (and a half!) and still somehow manage to sell myself short.