I

have a lot of hang-ups about not feeling good enough for anyone.

And I have a lot of reasons for that, and I don't want to get into all of them tonight...

but really, I'd just like to feel like I'm not always going to come second to someone else in every single person's life.

I get this mindset where x is prettier than me and y is thinner and z is taller and this is that and that is this and I just can't shake it tonight for some reason.

I just want everyone to stop talking about me when I'm not around. I'm not a child. I can take care of myself. I've done it for almost 20 years, I can do it until I can't.

so...

Five more days until my one-year mark. I could not be more proud of myself. Literally.

GREEKFEST THIS WEEKEND!!!! (Who is going to go with me? hehehe!)

Also, new Big Bang!! :D :D :D

But first, I have to get through my Religious Studies and Physics tests...Wish me luck! I will need it...especially for Physics. ):

Also, I have so many insane things happening in my life and I am so happy and I just do not even know where to begin. (:

I think all the right people walked into and out of my life right when they needed to.

And I just can't wait to see what happens next!

Have I ever told you all how much I love football?

(the band! From my cellphone...hahaha)

It's a lot.

I went to the game yesterday and watched my Vols beat the Cincinnati Bearcats 45-23.

It was a good game! I just wish our defense...well, nevermind. I won't get into that. (;

Today is filled with mostly Chemistry and studying for my Ecology test, and probably also reading for Physics.

ALSO, my friend who actually HAD a camera yesterday hasn't put up pictures yet, so have some cell phone pictures:

Me and Al! Haha, I kept cutting our heads off...


Me and Paloma! Excuse my raccoon-y eyes and my very messy messybun haha. (:


Then Alex and I got a pretty good picture, but all the pictures of me with everyone else (that isn't just of faces!) are not on my phone. ):


Me and Dennis!

And I super love this picture of me and Paloma! haha. (:

BUT I saved the best for last:

Dennis and Paloma! Aren't they precious!?
They're basically my favorite people ever. hahaha. (Paloma, I hope you read this!)
And I really like this picture, ahhaa. Who knew my cell phone could do that!

(Also, there were more people there than this! We also had 4 other people sitting with us, and then these two other people came over that knew the girlfriend of one of my friends. Which was actually kind of awkward, but not as bad as I made it in my head, haha.)
The game was actually a lot lot lot of fun. I can't wait for the next game! :D

Love you all!
-Jes.

My life is insane.

Kaleb and I broke up about 2 weeks ago.
Three years, down the drain, as if it were nothing.

But once again, I picked up the pieces and moved on with my life.

"Not fare well, but fare forward."

I'm happier. Free-er. Freer. (Is that a word?)

It makes me sick to think about what he's doing sometimes...

But really, I was honest, and I'm a happier and better me than I have been in a long, long time.

I'll update you all more later. (:

Everything happens for a reason.

And this is all a part of a plan that I'm just too little to see right now.

I love you all.
Fare forward,
Jessica.

Sorry for my lack of attention to this blog.

School has officially started back and I am diving in!

I'll post later today, after classes and such!

His banner over me is love.

Strengthen me with raisins,
refresh me with apples,
for I am faint with love.

Song of Solomon 2:5

(Blog title is SoS 2:4)

---------------

Journaling/spending some time with God because I can't sleep,wanting to go on a hiking trip, and craving an apple.

I talked with an old friend today.

I miss writing, and taking pictures every day.

I've been reminiscing in my old journals and photos from talking with this friend. I have a feeling she is about to be a major impact in my current life, and I can't wait to see what she brings back to my table.

I love her to death, she's a lot like a sister to me, and was often a comfort when no one else could be.

So, thank you.

I have no other words.

I bought new school supplies, I am feeling a bit more confident about my school schedule, and I only have one week left of anthropology! I am so ready for August 17th. (:

Things I need to work on:

Dealing with frustration without yelling, crying, getting in any way (or shape, or form) upset or angry, and something I can do the moment I get frustrated so that I do not lose it.

Any ideas?

(But I swear if one more person tells me to count to ten, I will lose it.
See? Frustration. AND hostility.)

Exercise is a good idea, but it's something that I could only effectively use if I got frustrated by something online/on the telephone/with school. In person, I can't exactly be like, "BRB" and go for a run. But I love that idea. Love.

Late night searching.

I was looking at research opportunities for undergraduate students for my university - because I feel like if I get some hands-on experience with something, it might help me make up my mind.

Here's the situation I'm basically in right now:

I'm trying to fulfill all pre-pharmacy school requirements AND get a degree in Microbiology. A degree is 120 credit hours. Enough of the Micro and pre-phamr requirements/pre-reqs overlap to give me a grand total (if I take all classes) of 142 hours. I can make that happen in four years - I have it all written down on paper to prove to you that I can. However, it requires a lot of 17-18 credit hour semesters. I don't just want to do pre-pharmacy because it's not an actual degree, but I was looking at jobs that you can get with even just a bachelor's degree in Microbiology (and I would be doing at least 2 years of graduate school) and some of them sound really interesting.

So I'm currently doing pros and cons of the things I am considering: pharmacy school, graduate school for Microbiology (the biggest con is having to defend a dissertation...I get very flustered when people pick my arguments apart...), and genetics counseling. Genetics counseling is slightly less than a 50% pay cut per year from pharmacy, and Microbiology can fall in between or match pharmacy. Obviously, money isn't the only thing I care about, and there are a lot of deciding factors for me. Unfortunately, one of those deciding factors is money.

None of this is my original point. There are 2 research opportunities for me at my university. One is in the Biochemistry and Cellular and Molecular Biology department, and one is in the Microbiology department. Before I apply for either position, however, I would like to get my GPA up a few points. (Well point points. My GPA is a 3.43...I'd like to have a 3.5 at least if/when I apply.) So I'm really going to focus this semester and do my very best. Then we'll see. They have multiple positions open, and I also need to get my resume updated and write a statement of interest and make a list of related classes for each one. (Also why I'm waiting a semester...I'll have a semester of Ecology under my belt and both semester of general Chemistry, as well as a semester of Physics - all of which will probably aid me in getting a position, especially if I do well in them!)

But we'll see, we'll see.

Also! I am e-mailed the head of the Biology department at the start of term to ask about Tri-Beta! I am so excited. One of my biology professors from last spring e-mailed me about it. I hope I get to be inducted!

I think I am going to start posting here.

I do post a lot on my tumblr, but I think I should start blogging about my life more here.

Also, I think it might encourage me to take more pictures, because I have not taken any new ones (well, not really anyway) since football last fall.

So to jump start this new posting frenzy

10 things that make me happy!
(This is an idea I borrowed from Meagan's blog, and she got it from this lovely lovely blog here! I've been following both of their tumblrs for a while, and I added their blogs to my list to-read dailies! Check her out!)

1. A cold Dr. Pepper

2. Vacations

3. Getting good grades

4. Finishing an excellent book

5. My lunches with Kaleb

6. Pearls (What can I say? I'm a true southern girl!)

7. Having a reliable best friend

8. Clean, organized living spaces

9. New school supplies

10. Prettily painted nails!

So, what makes you happy?

7 facts about me!

I am doing this in response to another of Amber's blogs! (Also to put off more of my Chemistry homework...)

1. My love language is Words of Affirmation and my personality type is INFJ, and that says more about me than I ever could. Also, I've only met one other person with my love language! and that is the aforementioned Amber! (:

2. I've written stories ever since I was a little girl. In 5th grade, I got extra credit in English, along with another girl in my class (because we were - I can't put this modestly - really far ahead of everyone in our class, so we did this project instead of the actual work for like, 4 months), for writing a chapter book. I wrote about aliens...ahahaha. I don't remember much of the story, but I know I wrote about aliens. I also read something I wrote to 2nd graders. I keep a notebook, currently, of all of my story ideas and characters and I want to hide it from everyone. I think it would be less embarrassing for someone to find my journal than my story notebook. Actually, I know it would be less embarrassing...

3. I am still scared of thunderstorms. Very, very scared.

4. I am kind of bad at thinking of things to say about myself that are in any way interesting...at least, I feel that way. I think it's because I think I'm kind of boring. It's weird, but I do feel that way. But I think that is just because I'm not a very complicated person.

5. I'm not really very politically opinionated, nor do I have a real political stance, but there are things that matter to me. It does not matter which major political party is doing it, if something I care about is being negatively (or positively) affected, that can sway my opinion of the moment. (Just for the record, national parks? Something I care very very strongly about...)

6. I rap in my car with Eminem, AND I also love to croon along with Frank Sinatra. I've taken voice lessons for about 4 years now, but the only place I'll sing, other than with my teacher, of course, is in my car. But I actually don't know that anyone loves Frank or Dean more than I do. (: The point of this fact was that my music taste is...a bit odd. It's been known for my music, on shuffle, to go from Stravinsky to Tupac and then to Counting Crows.

7. Sometimes, when I watch the news or something, and some sad story is told, I will cry, even if I don't know the people and it affects me in no way. I also get really really excited for people when I hear happy stories! Sometimes I get so excited that I can't breathe. And sometimes I will cry so hard, I have to stop watching things for a while...I mainly just avoid watching the news now, haha.

I am definitely not new to blogging, but I am new to blogging here. I have a tumblr, which I adore, but with everything else on it, I think having an actual blog will be nice. (: Mostly, I just want to brag about my little life and all the great things I have in it.

The best part of my day today was probably just hanging around with my cousin/best friend Meghan. She and I have been best friends for years, and no one is even close to her in my life. Her mom's best friend, Tammy, was also there with her son. And I totally love seeing her mom and Tammy together because they were both such a huge part of my childhood (and the beginning of mine and Meghan's close friendship!). But Meghan and I goofed off, and talked, and packed (how many times have I helped them pack now? hehe) and did the Time Warp in her kitchen while we cooked dinner and danced around to songs from musicals, much to the amusement of everyone there.

I also got to have lunch with Kaleb, and spend some time with him this afternoon while he studied for his test! I hope he did well on it! He usually does well, though, so I'm nowhere near as concerned about it as he is.

Cute story for the day: Kaleb and I went to print our biology notes for class this morning, and when I opened my backpack up to put the notes in there, I found my puppy's tennis ball in there! I think Charlie knew how stressed out I was about my other biology test today, and he left me a little good luck charm. (: I love that puppy so much.

I have no idea why this picture looks so weird, but that's me and Charlie! (:

So I guess that's really it for now! That was my day. I am so looking forward to blogging for real again. (: