An Explanation

Before you read this: If you are in my Group with Chuck on Tuesdays, this may be somewhat discouraging or triggering if you don't make it all the way through. I warn you now, because I love you guys, and I don't want to be the reason you slip on your Journey. Really, though, it's good, and it was good for me to get this out and remind myself of why I'm doing what I'm doing. I'm honest, see? (:

I feel like I owe a lot of the people who read this blog an explanation. I was distant at group meeting on Tuesday afternoon, and I was really, really discreet when I attempted to talk about my problems with my best friends on Monday. I've been having a lot of heavy stuff thrown at me, because I decided to tell my biggest, deepest secret to my best friend - even though I'd been holding it inside me before. It was another one of those Moments I Hate, when I have to literally tell myself (yes, out loud) that I can't do this on my own and I need to talk to someone. I've been weird about talking to my friends, and I've been talking too much because I'm afraid of where my mind will go if I am silent.

I (literally) have not stopped or slowed down for a second since last Friday night. If I'm not talking out loud, I'm texting 90% of the people in my phone. I'm making plans to hang out. I'm going for drives and singing all the songs on the radio and on all the CDs in my car because I literally won't let my brain slow down enough to comprehend and process all that's going on in my life.

Hi, I'm Jes. I'm a runner. I run from my problems. When I go running to clear my head, I really go running and yell at myself for getting so winded (even though I have asthma, and it just happens) or for not running fast enough or far enough or just well enough. I'm truly my own worst critic. I am never good enough for me.

So now that you guys are all caught up there, I can sort of talk about all the rest of this. Before group meeting on Tuesday, I had my private session with Chuck. And the thing I love about Chuck is that he gives me the exact same advice that my parents give me, that Jim gives me, that my friends give me...and for some reason, I just don't take the advice to heart until he sits me down, makes me shut up and shut down, and look him in the eyes and listen. I don't know what it is about that old man, but he gets through to me somehow. I mean, I guess someone, somewhere had to, eventually! Chuck said that he still has trouble understanding why I don't just run from my problems, but I run from my Good Things. I avoid my friends after I tell them something or after they say something nice to me. I avoid talking to anyone that might get under my skin or in my head. I shut down. I just do it. I don't know why, either. I guess I just need to feel like I'm the only person on this earth that can know who I am. Given that the people that I trusted most in my life have found ways to let me down or leave my life, I guess it doesn't really surprise me. What does surprise me is just how scared I've been lately.

So Chuck sits me down, and asks me what's been going on, basically. I told him that I've been dreading my best friend's "ten minutes" that she's gotten to literally sit down and talk for 10 minutes straight - whenever she wants to, wherever and however - and I am not allowed to say a word. I have to focus and pay attention to what she's saying and literally take it to heart. If she's saying nice things, I can't walk away. If she's giving me criticisms, I have to process them but not take anything the wrong way. I can't interrupt or justify anything in any way. I have to sit and listen. Chuck says he thinks I should award 3 people that have been major pillars in my life in the last 6 months 5 minutes, and give Lindsey an extra 5 because she's been interrupted by me too many times. And then, to give one person 10 minutes. One person who may not really know me that well, but who may have a lot to say to me. And they get pretty much the same rules as Lindsey does - you have 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes to sit and say whatever you want to me, and I can't respond, have a rebuttal, or otherwise interrupt. You can set ground rules before you start speaking - maybe you don't want me to look at you while you talk, maybe you want me to keep eye contact the whole time, maybe you want to say things for five minutes and then we never talk about it again. Whatever. Your rules, not mine.

And then, at the end of each set of 5 minutes (or whatever), I have to journal about it. I have to sit in my own silence and think and process and write.

Chuck hasn't been very clear about what this is supposed to accomplish, but he so rarely gives me actual tasks to do, I am going to do this one. I've already decided who I'm going to talk to about it, and if they don't want to, that's fine. I just don't know what I need in my life, so I'm going to take advice from someone who might.

But, now, my real explanation. Like I said, I've been dealing with a lot. I've had a lot of Tuff Stuff stomping around in my brain and pulling at my heart and just crawling under my skin. I've been trying to do everything in my power to ignore it, and I kind of just Volcano Effect'd and it erupted inside of me. After Crossroad on Monday, I started my car and burst into tears. I'm not usually a crier. I'm a doer. I want to go run, or clean, or something. I went home and ran and then bit all of the heads off of my entire bag of Swedish fish because I had nothing to clean. Frustration, it turns out, is not a productive emotion of mine. Tuesday, I was worse, because I had had all of those feelings, and then didn't do anything with them. Today was really just the worst. I felt like I annoyed everyone I came into contact with. Anytime someone said anything nice, I wanted to cry. A friend tweeted that she was proud of me today, when I gave her my NEDAwareness week bracelet I made her, and I went into the bathroom and bawled. I have no idea what's been wrong with me. It's not even like, for girl reasons either!

I think a lot of it was because of what the 30 hour famine my sorority did (as a fundraiser), and where my mind went and the stuff I thought about during those 30 hours. My body hated me. I hated me. I felt so incredibly selfish, that I had willingly gone without food for days just because I wanted to look a certain way. I wanted to be something else. I didn't want to be me. I have never felt as selfish as I did in those hours. And I think that's when I got torn down, and when my volcano started to overflow a little bit. I was just so ashamed.

And then Monday, not one, but two, of my friends talked to me about the way I sell myself short, and how it's "just something [I] have a tendency to do." That made me feel even more selfish. I don't really know why, but I just really hated myself. It almost put me back in a place I shouldn't be ever again. It's funny, too, to me, the way I was so mad at myself that I was willing to fall back into the old patterns that I was mad at myself for having in the first place. A Vicious Cycle.

And I guess that's really still where I am. I am still struggling to deal with my emotions, and I may not until I'm finally just pushed to a point where I can literally ignore them no longer. But I'm Jes, and that's what I do. I don't want to lie and say, "Oh, yeah, but I'm totally fine now." The truth is, I'm not. I need to talk to someone, to vent, to cry, to yell, to do whatever it is that Jeses do when they need to get these things out of them. I feel horrible, because I feel like I need to be completely honest with a couple of my other friends and let them in on My Horrible Secret, which isn't even a bad secret - it was something totally out of my control...once, anyway - but one that I just don't know how I feel about it. It's that secret that eats at me all the time, that repeats over and over that I'm not good enough, that I'm not x enough, it wouldn't have even happened if I had been better more this more that more anything than what I was, and am.

I guess this is the part where I remind everyone that I am not a victim - I'm a survivor. It's still a long, windy, bumpy road, and I stumble a lot. I have the bumps and scrapes and bruises and scars to prove it. But my point is really not to be discouraged. I'm still surviving. No, it's not easy, but I know it will get better. I have to remember who has my life engraved in the palms of His hands. (Isaiah 49:16)

My point is that I'm a fighter, and if I can stand and fight, so can you.

Psalm 142:3

2 Samuel 22:33

I love you, Group Guys and Gals. I know this week has been tough & trying, but I believe in all of you. And really, anyone else reading this, too. I believe in you, too, and I know that whatever struggles you are going through now, you will emerge victorious from them, and find a way to turn those struggles into something that glorifies God and the way He works in your life.

Hi, I'm Jes.

I'm 5'3 (and a half!) and still somehow manage to sell myself short.

Today's been rough.

I made it through our 30-hour famine. My body is a little mad at me (my blood sugar is pretty low, and I feel gross because of my iron being weird), but I did it, and I'm so happy I was able to do so.

But tonight, I had a really serious talk during our dinner (breaking our fast!). I talked about some things that I wasn't really planning on talking about, and during our talk, she pointed something out that really got me thinking.

What she said has kind of turned into my question for the night: Do you ever sit and think "These struggles I'm going through today will help me glorify God tomorrow." ? I don't. I know I don't. I am the worst person about being like "why me?" because sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by the things that happen. I know, in hindsight, I'll tell my story and be able to see the way God led me through that problem, the way He didn't throw anything at me I couldn't handle. But in the moment, sometimes anyway, I just want to be like, "Why is something else happening?" I haven't done that lately, and I'm really happy that I haven't.

But she made a good point. The struggles I've gone through have helped me glorify God. When I tell someone something I've gone through and then show them the way that God moved in my life and worked in my life, and that He is the only reason I am where I am right now, in my happy state, ready to handle the next challenge...it's seriously the best feeling, because I feel like it sometimes makes people want to know God like I know God. I like being that person that, when people hear my story, they go, "How can you still be positive? How can you thank God for that? How can you want more trials?" (I've heard it before [several times]! I'm sure I'll hear it again...haha. Any variation, too!) I like being able to say that God doesn't give you more than you can take. Yeah, sometimes, it feels like a handful. Sometimes it feels like you can't handle it. But you can do all things through Christ who gives you strength. If you feel like you can't do it, you're probably not putting enough trust in God. At least, I know that's what happens to me. When I feel like I can go no further, it's really because I'm not trusting in the one Person I should be trusting.

But that's just some silly tangent that I've gone off on, now. I didn't know if I'd be able to write all this out in my journal. Typing goes much more quickly for me.

I hope everyone has a good night!

40 Days of Journaling

For Lent, I have promised myself to read my Bible and actually write down all of the thoughts that I have about whatever I read, every day for 40 days. I think it's going to be the best way for me to grow closer to God. I sat down Tuesday and prayed about what I should give up for Lent - like what could I actually not eat/drink/do for 40 days to get closer to God. I realized that it's less about what I could actually NOT do, and more about what I CAN do.

I've found lately that actually opening up to people and talking about what I've been thinking and feeling is actually really, really good for me and my heart. I am thinking of putting some of it here, but I can't really decide. Yesterday, I dropped my Bible open and read the first thing that jumped out at me, and my Bible happened to fall open to Psalm 32, and the first thing that jumped out at me was something that I had underlined I-don't-know-how-long ago. It was Psalm 32:10, but only the second part, which says

"the Lord's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him."

What perfect timing for me to read that. In part of my journal for yesterday, I wrote that I'm not entirely sure why forgiveness has been such a big theme in my life lately. Not that I'm complaining about it, but I've been wondering what God has been preparing me for! I think I finally figured it out...or maybe I haven't, but I know that all this forgiveness talk has kept my heart more open to actually forgiving those who have wronged me. It's also helped me forgive myself for a lot of things that I've been bitter towards myself about. It really is remarkable how God moves and works in your life, even more so when you pay attention to it.

And that was just my first day of Lent! I fasted on Ash Wednesday, which was honestly a really good thing for me to do. It was the first year in several years I'd been "okay'd" to do so, by my doctors and parents. But that's something else entirely. In short, however, I have decided to give something up and do a partial fast during Lent. Basically, I'm going to limit how much food I'm eating. In some ways, I think I'm doing it to challenge myself. I need to prove to myself that I can do something like this and not fall back into old patterns. I'll be needing prayer, but since food is something that formerly consumed my every thought (and currently still consumes probably half of them), I think in doing this, I'll find a way to make food and eating and all of my worries less of a burden, because I'll be turning over any and all negative feelings I'm having to God, who will see me through this. I think in journaling and my partial fasting, I'm going to get my mind absolutely blown. We'll see, for sure!

Also, I'm finally jumping to it and reading Crazy Love. One of my friends recommended it to me after reading my last blog post, so...stay tuned, I guess! (:

I just feel like my heart is so full.

So, like I've been talking about with my friends and sisters in Phi Lamb and even mentioned here last time, God has been doing tons and tons of work on my heart lately. Every time I get in my car and start worshiping or finding myself giving it all up (as I should be doing anyway!) at Crossroads or at Phi Lamb chapter meetings or at church services and college services, I find myself literally feeling so...loved! that I am literally moved to tears. It's so hard to understand how merciful and patient God has been with me, but I've learned recently that the point isn't necessarily to understand it, and that's what's been on my heart and what I need to get out of me. So I'm going to write. :3

Tonight, at Crossroad, we read more of Luke (Luke 4:14-30, to be exact). Luke has always been my favorite of the 4 gospels, and I've never really been able to explain why. So now you'll understand why I was really excited when I went back to Crossroad this semester and found out that we were going to be reading in Luke! But this story, like the guy who does the Bible study part of the night pointed out, is one that is familiar to me. I didn't really understand the significance of the story, however - which is something you can contact me about if you'd really like to talk more about it! I don't want to make this thing TOO long. The point is, at the end, Luke talks about how furious ("full of wrath") the people were at Jesus for basically saying "Today is the day for salvation...but not for you." To be honest, I'd have been angry, too! But at the very end of that passage, it says, "But [Jesus] walked right through the crowd and went on his way." That means that he walked through all of this crazy big mob of angry people, and no one could grasp him. That is a metaphor. And when Greg (who is our speaker) said "That's a metaphor" I literally felt like I'd been slapped in the face. I don't have words to explain what I was feeling. It's so true though, that it's so easy to look and see Jesus in the middle of all of these people and their lives and no one be able to grasp that he is there. And this is where I'm going to tell why this is so significant to me...

God's been putting a lot on my heart lately, like I've said a million times. I can feel God pushing me to talk to people about my past: who I've been, what I've been, where I've been, and why I've been. I don't know if any of you who read this know me that well (especially since all of you that read this just email me afterwards, and we don't talk enough!), but I am not one to let anyone inside my head or my heart. So for God to be pushing me to tell my story...this is a giant step for me, and why I'm very glad that I have a blog.

Backstory: I started this blog as a type of journal, that only my closest friends knew I had. It was a way for me to kind of let people into my life, or what I wanted them to see of it, and only let the select few I wanted into it. Then, I started going to counseling, and Chuck (my counselor!) started asking me to talk about more significant things here. I ignored him, until I realized that writing has always been my out. I've kept a journal since I knew C-A-T spelled cat! I've been reaching out to this incredible group of girls and guys ever since, and trying to share parts of my story so that I can be a rock for those who need me to be.

My point is, I've found it very hard to be a rock lately, because I've felt more like a pebble. I've seen God move and work in my life in ways I never really thought possible. I've learned that understanding God and why He does what He does is basically impossible, and running with it has been my only option - and it's been a good one. I've been watching God work in my friends' lives as well, and the other people around me. I've also been watching the way some of my friends completely disregard God's presence, and watching (in retrospect, anyway) the way it frustrates me. Cue Jes' hypocrisy here. That's why tonight's message spoke so strongly to me. I've found myself immeasurably frustrated with some of my friends complaining about the things that are happening in their lives...about the tiny, small, seemingly insignificant things that are going wrong when so, so much more in their lives is going right! Sometimes, I've felt like shaking them and saying "Look at all of this that is going right! Look at all you've been given! Look at how God is using this to better you!"

Well, to be frank, I should've just been shaking myself. I've had God moving in my life constantly, even since before my life was a thing. God's presence has always been there! So why hadn't I been grasping it? To phrase it like Greg did, my "switch hadn't been flipped." I was wandering, clueless. And it scared me a little tonight, to realize that the very people I'd been journaling about in frustration included me. God has been walking in the middle of my life - in the middle of my angry, frustrated, upset life - and I have been unable to grasp him, until very recently.

Which brings me back to the point of my last post (and apparently, the point of my life): I am so unbelievably lucky that I serve a God who has more patience than I can fathom. I've run to God, hand-in-hand with friends who just wanted to sit and be with God and me. I've run, scared, to hide in God's arms. I've run to him in times of need, and in times of joy. But I've also run from God a lot, which it a lot of what I've been sharing about lately. My relationship with God is anything but perfect. I've ignored his presence, even when he's been throwing bricks at my head and yelling, "HEY! JES! WHAT'S UP! I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE!" I searched for him when I felt I needed to be led, and got mad at God for not seeming to be there, without realizing that he'd been standing behind me, helping me stand up and walk.

And I think that was where my brain eventually got, and what has really been on my mind to get out of me and share: I've been so impossibly lucky to serve a God like that. A God who never leaves your side, even when you're ignoring him. A God who is endlessly patient and merciful. A God who is greater, stronger, higher than any other (like the song we sang tonight!).

We sang this other song tonight at my chapter meeting, and one of the lines in the song was "If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking." Just...I have no words! THAT! And I just am so in awe sometimes of how much everything in my life has been tying together lately...My brain and my heart tonight spoke to me and made me go from realizing that God walks through people and these people can't grasp him (and neither can I), to falling on my face in appreciation and amazement that God is so gracious, merciful, patient, and understanding.

I'm sorry if this made no sense to anyone, and I'm sorry if it rambles and carries on and doesn't make any sense to you all. It made sense to me in my head as I was typing this all out. My head and my heart are working a million miles a minute tonight! I'm just trying to keep up!

(And in my next post, Anna/Kaylee/Marcus, I'll update on the main bit of the last post and talk more about ED. It'll be closer to NEDAwareness week then, too! Love you guys.)

And everyone else who's been reading. I love you guys, too.

ALSO, per request, my verse for this week is Psalm 142:3, and I can't believe it hasn't popped up sooner. However, just like God, it made itself obvious when it needed to be.

"When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way."

I wish I were better at talking about this stuff! I'll learn. (: But until next time!

- Jes.

Hey, everybody!

Long time, no talk!

So, I'm halfway through February right now. My life has done a complete 180 since this school year started, and especially since the beginning of 2011.

At the beginning of 2011, I was in a relationship that I thought was it for me. I was set in my major, and excited for it. I thought I had me figured out, and I was running with it as fast as I could. Then, in August, everything flipped. My relationship ended, which snowballed pretty much everything else: my semester started off on the wrong foot, I got really down on myself, I hated my classes, I wasn't dancing, I wasn't going to voice, I wasn't doing anything really, and I wasn't happy. I didn't even know who I could trust at that point, or who to turn to. I got mixed in in some crazy things and did some things that I'm not proud to say that I did. But, as cheesy as it sounds, it really was a journey for me, and at the end of that road, I think I found myself.

Just before and during Christmas break, I hung out with the same 3 or 4 people pretty much every day. I got really close with another person, and have been extremely glad for his friendship since. I went above and beyond the norm for my Christmas gift giving, and I went to a cabin to ring in the New Year with some of my closest friends. I love all of those friends that saw me at my best and worst in those couple of months, and I really don't know where I'd have been without them holding my hands through all of that. I still wasn't really happy in any of it though. I still wasn't being myself, even when I thought I was.

So one day, after the first of the year, but before classes started, when my friends and I were all establishing our routines - or trying to - I sat down by myself for awhile and thought through some things. I wrote more than I'd written in a long time. I sat down, and I talked to God. A lot of things became really clear, all at once, and my little brain (and my little heart) couldn't handle it. I had to sit and be honest with myself.

For most of my life, I've been doing something for someone else. I hadn't really done anything for Jes. Even my major, at times, felt more like something I was doing for my family, or at least doing what I thought they wanted, instead of what I wanted. I wasn't excited for anything anymore. My last relationship, I think I clung to just because I thought it was something I was doing for me, when really, that wasn't the case at all. It took a lot for me to be honest enough with myself to admit that I hadn't been happy in a really, really long time in that scenario. I know I'd said it before, but I guess I just hadn't felt like I'd meant it. I finally did. I wasn't excited to get to know anyone new, I did the rebound thing where I thought I liked someone a lot more than I did, I didn't want anyone to get too close to me. I realized that even though I'd gotten really close with some people, I'd also completely put up walls and shut out 99% of the people in my life.

Well, that day that I sat and talked to God, I made some decisions For Jes. I changed my major, to something I love and am actually excited for. I prayed for things I don't know I've ever seriously prayed for. I got in touch with my counselor, with my voice teacher, with other adults that had stuck by me when I needed them to stick by me. I held onto - or tried to hold onto - the friends that had liked me when I thought I was me, and who stuck by me when I wasn't being me and everyone knew it. I prayed, a lot. I felt my eyes and my heart open to things I hadn't ever seriously considered.

One of those things was a sorority. I joined Sigma Phi Lambda, the Christian sorority at my university. I love it there. The night I committed to pledging, I felt like I'd been welcomed home. I'm still in amazement of the amount of love those girls share for each other, and at how quickly they've become a part of my life. I'm amazed at how close I've felt to God in the last couple months. I found a church to be a part of. I found friends who were as committed to helping me walk with God as I was to helping them. I have friends that give as much as I do now, and friends that make me take as much as I make others take. I'm learning when to ask for help, and how to do so.

But really, the biggest struggle in my life has been where romantic relationships are concerned, and not because I'm so set on finding one, but because I'm so set on running from them. I swore off dating to myself. I made a commitment to myself to go six months without thinking or talking about anything serious. And I have...almost. But I'm starting to see now that, while that was in my plan for me, it hasn't been in God's plan for me. God's kept me focused in all the areas I needed to be focused in, and now he's turning my attention to something else. Something He and I know terrifies me, but somethings He and I know I need to deal with. Together. I'm terrified of letting someone else in. I'm terrified to place any sort of romantic trust or faith in anyone after my last relationship. I felt so horribly lied to and a multitude of other things. My heart was ready for something new, but my brain was not. I kept praying, asking God to take my focus off of dating and everything. God kept placing me in situations that I, at first, thought of as tests to see if I could ignore it, but the more I'm put in those situations and the more I pray about those situations, the more I am led to believe that God is trying to get me somewhere else.

I talked to my small group leader about it. I prayed about it alone, and with other people. I can see, to a point at least, the work that God is doing on my heart. I'm confused, and I'm scared. But in order for me to take these next few steps forward, I had to let myself feel things that I hadn't let myself. I had to cry out the last few feelings of worthlessness and "second-best" that I had because of the aftermath of my last relationship. I talked to a friend, and he gave me five minutes to wallow in those feelings. To listen to sad music, to cry, to sit and only think about that...for five minutes. And at the end of those five minutes, I felt better. My heart wasn't the only thing ready for something new. My brain was finally caught up and ready, too. I was done running from something that makes me happy, and that makes me feel good, and that is legitimately good for me.

So that's where I am now. I dealt with my feelings about my friends, my family, my career and my school stuff. I dealt with my feelings about myself. I dealt with my feelings about my past and those that impacted it. Now, I'm trying to deal with my future. I'm trying to let go and let God. It's hard sometimes, and I often catch myself slipping and trying to do everything myself - in a true Jes fashion. Luckily, God is patient, and is willing to wait for me to stop and go, "Oh. Right. You're leading me. Why am I so worried?" So that's what we're looking at right now, me and God. He's showing me old people in new light. He's pointing out all of these wonderful moments and memories and giving me new ones. I'm trying to "guard my heart" (which, admittedly, I'm not good at), and I'm letting God handle this situation that I keep finding myself in, over and over, year after year. My feelings scare me, and sometimes I'm really in denial about them, but really, God's leading me to this, and he's going to lead me wherever I'm meant to be. I'm standing here, at this next crossroads, God's standing next to me, waiting on me to make some decisions. Right now, I'm scared, and I'm standing in a zone of a lot of friendships and a lot of love for my life and the lives of those around me. Where am I going to go next? God's going to show me, I'm sure of it!

I'm really sad that it took me 20 years to get to where I am now, but I'm finally here! And I think that's really all that matters.

And I'm just channeling and trying to embody my life verse, 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, which says:

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

For me, being joyful always is a bit of a struggle, but I'm typically a positive person, so it hasn't been that bad. Praying continually? Check, check, check. If I ever find myself hesitating about anything, even if it's only for an instant, I immediately start praying. I've been following this whole "are you praying about it as much as you're talking about it?" thing, and it's really been working out for me. For me, that last part, the giving thanks in all circumstances, is the hard part. It's really hard to be standing in the dark, not knowing where you're going to be next, having just climbed out of the biggest hole you can imagine, and feeling sore and tired, like you can't handle one more bad thing...and then finding yourself in a deeper pit, where you're trying to help someone and help yourself, too...and then try to give thanks. It's really been a difficult thing for me, especially when I get a text or a look that puts my stomach in knots with nerves or happiness or anger or whatever, and thank God for it.

Yeah, you read that right: I've been confused about my happiness lately, even! Which makes no sense! But I decided pretty recently to just go with it. You're either in a struggle, just getting out of one, or about to start one. I'm going to embrace this "just getting out of it" thing and let Jes be happy and fearless - even if it's only for a minute.

Basically, what I'm saying in all of this confusing mess, is that I'm Jes. I'm going to be me, no matter who or what makes me feel like I can't be. I'm happy. Finally. It's been quite a journey, but I'm finally standing on this mountaintop, VICTORIOUS, and I'm literally so filled with joy about it, I'm ready to shout!

tl;dr? God is good.