So, I'm halfway through February right now. My life has done a complete 180 since this school year started, and especially since the beginning of 2011.
At the beginning of 2011, I was in a relationship that I thought was it for me. I was set in my major, and excited for it. I thought I had me figured out, and I was running with it as fast as I could. Then, in August, everything flipped. My relationship ended, which snowballed pretty much everything else: my semester started off on the wrong foot, I got really down on myself, I hated my classes, I wasn't dancing, I wasn't going to voice, I wasn't doing anything really, and I wasn't happy. I didn't even know who I could trust at that point, or who to turn to. I got mixed in in some crazy things and did some things that I'm not proud to say that I did. But, as cheesy as it sounds, it really was a journey for me, and at the end of that road, I think I found myself.
Just before and during Christmas break, I hung out with the same 3 or 4 people pretty much every day. I got really close with another person, and have been extremely glad for his friendship since. I went above and beyond the norm for my Christmas gift giving, and I went to a cabin to ring in the New Year with some of my closest friends. I love all of those friends that saw me at my best and worst in those couple of months, and I really don't know where I'd have been without them holding my hands through all of that. I still wasn't really happy in any of it though. I still wasn't being myself, even when I thought I was.
So one day, after the first of the year, but before classes started, when my friends and I were all establishing our routines - or trying to - I sat down by myself for awhile and thought through some things. I wrote more than I'd written in a long time. I sat down, and I talked to God. A lot of things became really clear, all at once, and my little brain (and my little heart) couldn't handle it. I had to sit and be honest with myself.
For most of my life, I've been doing something for someone else. I hadn't really done anything for Jes. Even my major, at times, felt more like something I was doing for my family, or at least doing what I thought they wanted, instead of what I wanted. I wasn't excited for anything anymore. My last relationship, I think I clung to just because I thought it was something I was doing for me, when really, that wasn't the case at all. It took a lot for me to be honest enough with myself to admit that I hadn't been happy in a really, really long time in that scenario. I know I'd said it before, but I guess I just hadn't felt like I'd meant it. I finally did. I wasn't excited to get to know anyone new, I did the rebound thing where I thought I liked someone a lot more than I did, I didn't want anyone to get too close to me. I realized that even though I'd gotten really close with some people, I'd also completely put up walls and shut out 99% of the people in my life.
Well, that day that I sat and talked to God, I made some decisions For Jes. I changed my major, to something I love and am actually excited for. I prayed for things I don't know I've ever seriously prayed for. I got in touch with my counselor, with my voice teacher, with other adults that had stuck by me when I needed them to stick by me. I held onto - or tried to hold onto - the friends that had liked me when I thought I was me, and who stuck by me when I wasn't being me and everyone knew it. I prayed, a lot. I felt my eyes and my heart open to things I hadn't ever seriously considered.
One of those things was a sorority. I joined Sigma Phi Lambda, the Christian sorority at my university. I love it there. The night I committed to pledging, I felt like I'd been welcomed home. I'm still in amazement of the amount of love those girls share for each other, and at how quickly they've become a part of my life. I'm amazed at how close I've felt to God in the last couple months. I found a church to be a part of. I found friends who were as committed to helping me walk with God as I was to helping them. I have friends that give as much as I do now, and friends that make me take as much as I make others take. I'm learning when to ask for help, and how to do so.
But really, the biggest struggle in my life has been where romantic relationships are concerned, and not because I'm so set on finding one, but because I'm so set on running from them. I swore off dating to myself. I made a commitment to myself to go six months without thinking or talking about anything serious. And I have...almost. But I'm starting to see now that, while that was in my plan for me, it hasn't been in God's plan for me. God's kept me focused in all the areas I needed to be focused in, and now he's turning my attention to something else. Something He and I know terrifies me, but somethings He and I know I need to deal with. Together. I'm terrified of letting someone else in. I'm terrified to place any sort of romantic trust or faith in anyone after my last relationship. I felt so horribly lied to and a multitude of other things. My heart was ready for something new, but my brain was not. I kept praying, asking God to take my focus off of dating and everything. God kept placing me in situations that I, at first, thought of as tests to see if I could ignore it, but the more I'm put in those situations and the more I pray about those situations, the more I am led to believe that God is trying to get me somewhere else.
I talked to my small group leader about it. I prayed about it alone, and with other people. I can see, to a point at least, the work that God is doing on my heart. I'm confused, and I'm scared. But in order for me to take these next few steps forward, I had to let myself feel things that I hadn't let myself. I had to cry out the last few feelings of worthlessness and "second-best" that I had because of the aftermath of my last relationship. I talked to a friend, and he gave me five minutes to wallow in those feelings. To listen to sad music, to cry, to sit and only think about that...for five minutes. And at the end of those five minutes, I felt better. My heart wasn't the only thing ready for something new. My brain was finally caught up and ready, too. I was done running from something that makes me happy, and that makes me feel good, and that is legitimately good for me.
So that's where I am now. I dealt with my feelings about my friends, my family, my career and my school stuff. I dealt with my feelings about myself. I dealt with my feelings about my past and those that impacted it. Now, I'm trying to deal with my future. I'm trying to let go and let God. It's hard sometimes, and I often catch myself slipping and trying to do everything myself - in a true Jes fashion. Luckily, God is patient, and is willing to wait for me to stop and go, "Oh. Right. You're leading me. Why am I so worried?" So that's what we're looking at right now, me and God. He's showing me old people in new light. He's pointing out all of these wonderful moments and memories and giving me new ones. I'm trying to "guard my heart" (which, admittedly, I'm not good at), and I'm letting God handle this situation that I keep finding myself in, over and over, year after year. My feelings scare me, and sometimes I'm really in denial about them, but really, God's leading me to this, and he's going to lead me wherever I'm meant to be. I'm standing here, at this next crossroads, God's standing next to me, waiting on me to make some decisions. Right now, I'm scared, and I'm standing in a zone of a lot of friendships and a lot of love for my life and the lives of those around me. Where am I going to go next? God's going to show me, I'm sure of it!
I'm really sad that it took me 20 years to get to where I am now, but I'm finally here! And I think that's really all that matters.
And I'm just channeling and trying to embody my life verse, 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, which says:
"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
For me, being joyful always is a bit of a struggle, but I'm typically a positive person, so it hasn't been that bad. Praying continually? Check, check, check. If I ever find myself hesitating about anything, even if it's only for an instant, I immediately start praying. I've been following this whole "are you praying about it as much as you're talking about it?" thing, and it's really been working out for me. For me, that last part, the giving thanks in all circumstances, is the hard part. It's really hard to be standing in the dark, not knowing where you're going to be next, having just climbed out of the biggest hole you can imagine, and feeling sore and tired, like you can't handle one more bad thing...and then finding yourself in a deeper pit, where you're trying to help someone and help yourself, too...and then try to give thanks. It's really been a difficult thing for me, especially when I get a text or a look that puts my stomach in knots with nerves or happiness or anger or whatever, and thank God for it.
Yeah, you read that right: I've been confused about my happiness lately, even! Which makes no sense! But I decided pretty recently to just go with it. You're either in a struggle, just getting out of one, or about to start one. I'm going to embrace this "just getting out of it" thing and let Jes be happy and fearless - even if it's only for a minute.
Basically, what I'm saying in all of this confusing mess, is that I'm Jes. I'm going to be me, no matter who or what makes me feel like I can't be. I'm happy. Finally. It's been quite a journey, but I'm finally standing on this mountaintop, VICTORIOUS, and I'm literally so filled with joy about it, I'm ready to shout!
tl;dr? God is good.
No comments:
Post a Comment