Tonight, at Crossroad, we read more of Luke (Luke 4:14-30, to be exact). Luke has always been my favorite of the 4 gospels, and I've never really been able to explain why. So now you'll understand why I was really excited when I went back to Crossroad this semester and found out that we were going to be reading in Luke! But this story, like the guy who does the Bible study part of the night pointed out, is one that is familiar to me. I didn't really understand the significance of the story, however - which is something you can contact me about if you'd really like to talk more about it! I don't want to make this thing TOO long. The point is, at the end, Luke talks about how furious ("full of wrath") the people were at Jesus for basically saying "Today is the day for salvation...but not for you." To be honest, I'd have been angry, too! But at the very end of that passage, it says, "But [Jesus] walked right through the crowd and went on his way." That means that he walked through all of this crazy big mob of angry people, and no one could grasp him. That is a metaphor. And when Greg (who is our speaker) said "That's a metaphor" I literally felt like I'd been slapped in the face. I don't have words to explain what I was feeling. It's so true though, that it's so easy to look and see Jesus in the middle of all of these people and their lives and no one be able to grasp that he is there. And this is where I'm going to tell why this is so significant to me...
God's been putting a lot on my heart lately, like I've said a million times. I can feel God pushing me to talk to people about my past: who I've been, what I've been, where I've been, and why I've been. I don't know if any of you who read this know me that well (especially since all of you that read this just email me afterwards, and we don't talk enough!), but I am not one to let anyone inside my head or my heart. So for God to be pushing me to tell my story...this is a giant step for me, and why I'm very glad that I have a blog.
Backstory: I started this blog as a type of journal, that only my closest friends knew I had. It was a way for me to kind of let people into my life, or what I wanted them to see of it, and only let the select few I wanted into it. Then, I started going to counseling, and Chuck (my counselor!) started asking me to talk about more significant things here. I ignored him, until I realized that writing has always been my out. I've kept a journal since I knew C-A-T spelled cat! I've been reaching out to this incredible group of girls and guys ever since, and trying to share parts of my story so that I can be a rock for those who need me to be.
My point is, I've found it very hard to be a rock lately, because I've felt more like a pebble. I've seen God move and work in my life in ways I never really thought possible. I've learned that understanding God and why He does what He does is basically impossible, and running with it has been my only option - and it's been a good one. I've been watching God work in my friends' lives as well, and the other people around me. I've also been watching the way some of my friends completely disregard God's presence, and watching (in retrospect, anyway) the way it frustrates me. Cue Jes' hypocrisy here. That's why tonight's message spoke so strongly to me. I've found myself immeasurably frustrated with some of my friends complaining about the things that are happening in their lives...about the tiny, small, seemingly insignificant things that are going wrong when so, so much more in their lives is going right! Sometimes, I've felt like shaking them and saying "Look at all of this that is going right! Look at all you've been given! Look at how God is using this to better you!"
Well, to be frank, I should've just been shaking myself. I've had God moving in my life constantly, even since before my life was a thing. God's presence has always been there! So why hadn't I been grasping it? To phrase it like Greg did, my "switch hadn't been flipped." I was wandering, clueless. And it scared me a little tonight, to realize that the very people I'd been journaling about in frustration included me. God has been walking in the middle of my life - in the middle of my angry, frustrated, upset life - and I have been unable to grasp him, until very recently.
Which brings me back to the point of my last post (and apparently, the point of my life): I am so unbelievably lucky that I serve a God who has more patience than I can fathom. I've run to God, hand-in-hand with friends who just wanted to sit and be with God and me. I've run, scared, to hide in God's arms. I've run to him in times of need, and in times of joy. But I've also run from God a lot, which it a lot of what I've been sharing about lately. My relationship with God is anything but perfect. I've ignored his presence, even when he's been throwing bricks at my head and yelling, "HEY! JES! WHAT'S UP! I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE!" I searched for him when I felt I needed to be led, and got mad at God for not seeming to be there, without realizing that he'd been standing behind me, helping me stand up and walk.
And I think that was where my brain eventually got, and what has really been on my mind to get out of me and share: I've been so impossibly lucky to serve a God like that. A God who never leaves your side, even when you're ignoring him. A God who is endlessly patient and merciful. A God who is greater, stronger, higher than any other (like the song we sang tonight!).
We sang this other song tonight at my chapter meeting, and one of the lines in the song was "If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking." Just...I have no words! THAT! And I just am so in awe sometimes of how much everything in my life has been tying together lately...My brain and my heart tonight spoke to me and made me go from realizing that God walks through people and these people can't grasp him (and neither can I), to falling on my face in appreciation and amazement that God is so gracious, merciful, patient, and understanding.
I'm sorry if this made no sense to anyone, and I'm sorry if it rambles and carries on and doesn't make any sense to you all. It made sense to me in my head as I was typing this all out. My head and my heart are working a million miles a minute tonight! I'm just trying to keep up!
(And in my next post, Anna/Kaylee/Marcus, I'll update on the main bit of the last post and talk more about ED. It'll be closer to NEDAwareness week then, too! Love you guys.)
And everyone else who's been reading. I love you guys, too.
ALSO, per request, my verse for this week is Psalm 142:3, and I can't believe it hasn't popped up sooner. However, just like God, it made itself obvious when it needed to be.
"When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way."I wish I were better at talking about this stuff! I'll learn. (: But until next time!
- Jes.
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