Today, I just really have had a lot on my mind.
Yesterday was a roller coaster day. I felt ultra betrayed by one of my closest friends, but I found out who my Bigs are in my sorority, and I really could not have been any happier. I was relieved to be at Crossroad and to have been able to hear the message I did, but I was dreading voice today, and singing with people I didn't know. Then, I found out someone had heard me sing (like 4 words, but whatever) yesterday, and I did my usual "Jes-ing out" but I was also glad I finally told my oldest friend the thing I hadn't been able to. It was just a really intense day for me emotionally.
And that, in and of itself, was kind of weird for me. I (more or less) have felt completely in control of me and my emotions (except for maybe my feelings of anxiety) lately. It wasn't unfamiliar, to feel like I'm out of control, but it was kind of an unfamiliar feeling anyway, just because of how I've felt recently. (I'm sorry if this makes no sense, haha.) I guess my decision to continue going to group when I had been so set on not going anymore, coupled with all of the negatives yesterday, just kind of built up in me and I didn't know what to do with it. I decided just to sleep on it, and write down everything exactly as it happened. When I woke up, I read through my list, and I realized that the main problem was just that a good thing would happen, and then a bad thing, and then another thing, and then another, and everything was happening so quickly, I just hadn't had time to process one thing before another thing came up. But my drive home, my listing everything out, and my sleeping on it definitely helped everything out. My head feels so much clearer.
And really, if I sit and look back through today, although it started off kind of bumpy, was really good. Group was weird, my regular session was weird, voice was a LOT of work - but all of that is going to pay off later. And from the time I got home on, it's been a great day. I'm Jes. I'm an optimist. I need realistic friends to keep me from floating away sometimes. So accentuating the positives is what I do.
Anyway, my point is this. I changed my mind about not going to group anymore when I read 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 (mainly, but really the whole passage helped me do this). I just realized that I needed to be sharing comfort with people, and in doing so, I always had to share my struggles. But it's okay. My fortune cookie fortunes remind me that my "optimism can carry [me] through any situation" and that I will "soon emerge victorious from the maze that [I] have been travelling in." So even though it's hard right now, persevering and being strong for other people is going to be my payoff in the end. And it's not only going to help me, it's going to help them, too. I need to be using the basin to wash others' feet, not the basin to wash my hands of the things I don't feel like doing.
Luke 22:42 -
"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."
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