So, for any of you who may not know this about me, I'm a very, very, very amateur guitar player. Lately, I've taken to picking one up and playing and singing anytime I've felt that I needed to process an emotion of some sort. I love to sing. I'm growing more comfortable with my singing, and doing so in front of other people. I'm growing more comfortably every single day with who I am as a person, too. I don't really know what switch flipped in my head, but it's awesome. I'm talking more comfortably with people about my past, and I've been telling my Secret (capital S!) to those that I think may need to hear it, or know it about me to understand more fully how I process my life and why I am so weird about some of the things I am weird about. It looks like my Jes Things list is finally paying off!
But my point is that I got a text from a friend today that basically said I was an inspiration to her, because I was always upbeat and positive. I love that she sees me like that, and that others in my life see me that way. But if you happen to be one of my closest friends, you know that sometimes I can be anything but happy, upbeat, and positive. I decided to take that negative thought - that "I feel like I'm never upbeat or positive about anything. How on earth does she see that in me?" - and let it dissipate, as it should. I took the compliment for what it was, and I let it help me "float" instead of dragging me down. I realized she was another buoy in my life - and that's a list that grows every day!
See, the buoy thing is that there are two kinds of people in this world: buoys and anchors. There are people who drag you down and hold you where you are (which, yes, you do need sometimes), and there are people who help you keep your head above the water. I've tried to be extra focused lately on not only being a "buoy" to those around me, but also trying to cut all the anchors out of my life, too. It's harder than I thought, because it forces me to be honest with myself about the way that people in my life treat me, instead of justifying their actions and making excuses for the way they behave. This has been one of the toughest things in my life. You would think cutting someone out of my life who had done me the most unimaginable wrong would be easy, right? Not so much. I justify it. "He/she/they apologized. He/she/they made it up to me. He/she/they won't do it again." On and on and on. But I kind of felt like God smacked me in the head and told me to stop and think and stop lying to myself, because all it was doing was weighing me down. I couldn't even keep myself above the water, much less do that for anyone else. I'm the worst about being a human doormat.
But I did think about this a lot, and when I was flipping through my Bible earlier, I got a text from someone I promised - not only to myself, but to friends and parents, too - I wouldn't talk to anymore. It seemed friendly enough, and I was twenty seconds from responding, when I saw this verse:
"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. Do everything in love."So then I stopped myself, and I forced myself to be honest with me. I knew that if I responded to this person, it would literally be worse than the first person who was like this in my life, because I knew all about how those things turn out, and that some people just won't change until they want to. I remembered my dad's notes to me (he's written, multiple times, and stuck the papers on the mirror in the bathroom, in my Bible, in my car door, all the places he knows I'll see it - "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23) and realized how often I lie to myself about the people in my life, just because I don't want to lose that person's friendship or I don't want that person to walk out of my life because they know something about me that most others don't. Or really, whatever my reason, I just don't want them gone - whether its fear or just wanting to continue believing that I can do something to make them become a better person.
And, really, my journal today really isn't anything I haven't talked about before, in Lent journals past. I feel like I talk about this all the time - I'm the worst at being honest with myself when it comes to the people around me. But I'll get there, eventually. I'll just keep praying about it, and keep trying to be a buoy to those around me.
I feel like this journal makes infinitely less sense than allllllll of the others, and I'm sorry if you didn't follow it at all. (: Have a good week!
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